Crankypants

After Thanksgiving spent in the 'ville (where I learned that Casey has an affinity for large piles of leaves) my family made the trek to Indianapolis on Sunday for the Colts/Eagles game at the Dome. We were unable to all sit together, so there were two seats together in nosebleed, four seats together in nosebleed, and two seats together in the really really good section. The boyfriend and I spent the first half of the game in the nosebleeds, and the second half in the really really good seats. Honestly? The nosebleeds were more fun. That's where the rowdy, drunk, true Colts fans are. Rich people are too refined to cheer.....

Since the game was moved to Sunday night under the NFL flexible scheduling, (and coming home to a sick puppy and a mess in her crate) I got very little sleep Sunday night. This led to crankypants Emily on Monday and Tuesday. I'm just now recovering and mending fences. I couldn't even indulge in comfort food like one friend suggested since we're going on a cruise on Saturday and I would like to look decent in a bathing suit....

By the way, if you were EVER considering taking two, week long vacations in two months, don't.

Since Casey was sick, she came to work with me on Monday and Tuesday. She was a pain in my rear both days. Even though she's over a year old now, she still has that puppy energy, and got into everything she could get into. I finally got peace when I gave her a cardboard box which she then proceeded to destroy with relish.

Last night was the breaking point, though....which made me re-examine my cohabitation situation, and to provide an update to my blog readers. (Side note: I got an interesting comment from a friend the other day. She said, "I have to say I enjoy your blogs because it reminds me how your mind works. It's pretty funny sometimes, other times it's down right hilarious (usually because it's you and not me)" So I thought an update on the situation in my apartment was due.)

Tyson sucks. The end.

Okay, so there's more than that, but that's the main idea. The boyfriend complains that Tyson and Casey are treated differently, and that's not fair. I say that all dogs are not created equal. I mean, it's like how one child might get a balcony room with a view, while another child gets a padded cell with no windows. It's not because anyone is treating them unfairly, it's just that circumstances demand that one child be protected from themself and others. That child is Tyson.

I haven't had a meal in peace since the boyfriend and I moved in together, unless you count meals outside the apartment, or when the boyfriend generously decides to leave and take Tyson with him. That's six months of non-peaceful meals. Usually, my meals are accompanied with a background music made up of whines, howls, and general squealing. It's moved beyond pathetic to obnoxious at this point. I mean, when I have guests over....Oh wait! I CAN'T have guests over. That's right. Tyson screams like a banshee and the guests would think I'm torturing the dog while we're eating dinner. My bad.

The problem is that I can't leave the dogs free while we're eating. Casey is an active begger (shoving her nose in your face or as close to your plate as possible) and Tyson, well, while we're eating, I can't really watch Tyson 100% of the time, and if he smells Laney...well....

The animal behaviorist? Yeah, her suggestions to turn on the TV, put a t-shirt that smells like the boyfriend in the room, and reward good behavior, were all used. They all failed. Now, Tyson gets to watch TV all day and run up my electric bill. All the while, the bottom half of the door gets narrower and narrower as I find more and more wood chips on the floor from his digging. There goes the boyfriend's deposit :-)

The thing is, I don't think Tyson's behavior is caused by anxiety any longer. I mean, it's been 6 months. At this point, he's GOT to know that he sometimes gets out of the room, sometimes he's in the room, and he's always going to get to be with Nathan... I mean, he no longer cries in the mornings. At least there was progress there. I get up in the morning, get ready for work, walk the dogs, put them away with treats, and then go to work. Not a peep from Tyson. So he KNOWS what's going on. In the evenings, he's just being an asshole. I think he's trying to drive me insane so that I'M the one in a padded cell, and he can have the boyfriend all to himself again. I actually had the following discussion with my boss's wife the other day. I was completely serious.

"So, my brother got Casey a huge rawhide for Christmas. The thing must be three feet long and a foot high on the ends. I don't know what we're going to do with it. She can't get her mouth around it to chew. Maybe I'll just saw it in half and give half to Tyson and the other half to Casey."
"Does Tyson really deserve a Christmas gift?"
"Actually, I was hoping he would choke on it."

Not that Laney has gotten much better.... The peeing on the boyfriend's clothing has ceased, basically because now the boyfriend piles his dirty clothing on his dresser, my dresser, the bathroom counter...anywhere but the hamper. However, she has designated the boyfriend's chair (in our bedroom) as her second litter box and peed on it at least 5 times.

That 'Nature's Miracle' stuff that is made especially for cat urine and eliminates all odors and costs about $12 per little spray bottle? Yeah, it's a crap. I may as well have purchased a very expensive spray bottle and filled it with water. The boyfriend and I moved the chair to the dumpster in our apartment complex, under the cover of darkness. The chair is officially dead. We have increased the "changing of the litter" to once every two days. Even with that change, she seems angry. Last night she pooped in her litter box and didn't cover it. When the smell hit me, it literally made my eyes water. I think that was a big "F you" from the cat for thowing away "her" chair.

She HAS gotten better around Tyson, however. It seems she has learned that Tyson's vision, much like the T-Rex, is based on motion. If she holds perfectly still, Tyson smells her, and can tell that there's something weird in the air, but can't find her. However, if her courage gives, and she bolts, he's after her like a shot. Last time he chased her, we finally caught up to them in Laney's bathroom. Both were in the bathtub, Laney was puffed up to about three times her usual size and growling, while Tyson was just staring at her in confusion...probably thinking, "Whoa, little deformed dog....why are you so angry?"

Otherwise, things are fabulous. I mean, apart from the basic differences between males and females. (which include putting dirty dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in the hamper, spending less than 45 minutes on the toilet [did you know this about men? What do they DO in the bathroom for all that time?], and making plans in advance.)

We're leaving on Saturday for a cruise. Casey's boarding reservation has been made for weeks now, after I compared costing on a couple of different options. I asked the boyfriend yesterday what was going on with Tyson. "I don't know." was my response. I have this nightmare vision of having to take Tyson on the cruise....

Well, at least then he could "accidentally" fall overboard.

Love to eat Turkey....

So, in honor of the upcoming holiday, I thought I would post a list of what I'm thankful for. Why not? The list is pretty extensive, so consider this just a snapshot :-)

1) Coca-Cola. Who drinks Diet? And those people who say they prefer Diet to regular are lying to you and themselves. You should not associated with those people. Who knows what else they're lying about?

2) Stretch Jeans. Carrie posted that on my site, but it's true. If it weren't for stretch denim...well, let's just say I would be a lot less comfortable.

3) Sunglasses. Not only do they protect your eyes from the glare (which could give you wrinkles, and this is apparently something I should worry about in my advanced age), but if you buy really big ones, you have no problem appearing sober.

4) Botox. If it weren't for women who were originally really pretty using Botox to mess up their looks, well, what would we 'normal' women have to be catty about?

5) Monthly flea medication. An airtight alibi when friends and neighbors point fingers at you and your pet for the fleas in their homes.

6) MySpace. I mean, if it weren't for MySpace, how on earth would we be able to spy on people we hate? (or have the unique pleasure of saying, "I have a tracker on my site, and someone I've never met in my life is checking my site frequently...stalker.")

7) Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. For making me aware that Bull Sharks can swim in fresh water and thus ensuring that I will never get into another fresh water river with murky water.

8) Shoelaces. Because without them, we would all have to wear the velcro tennis shoes that my dad wears....and then I wouldn't be able to make fun of him for wearing said velcro shoes.

9) Younger siblings. Without them, there would be no possibility of a direct relation who's younger than yourself getting engaged and thus increasing the pressure from your parents to get engaged yourself by about a thousandfold.

10) Younger siblings. Without my little brother getting married soon, I'm sure the pressure on me to have children would be unbelievable. As it stands, they're willing to leave me alone since he offers hope of both grandchildren, and a future to our unique last name.

11) Credit Cards. Without these trusting souls giving me access to more money than I have at the moment, I would not be able to feed my travel addiction. Of course, I would also be able to afford food....but that's beside the point.

12) Meter Maids. Without them, I wouldn't have 5 unpaid parking tickets against me.

13) The Feminine Mystique. Without it, I wouldn't have 12 warnings for speeding.

14) Puppies. Without my puppy (whom I refer to as my parents' "grand-dog-ter" [ba-dum ching]) they would be more likely to disregard my whole "I'm not having kids" stance. As it stands, my mother has already refered to Casey has her grandchild once....(point for me!!!)

15) Being 50% Hispanic. I mean, without that Peruvian influence from my mother, I wouldn't have found my wonderful therapist

16) Being 50% Italian. Without this heritage, I would be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about my weight. I mean, who doesn't love a slow metabolism?

17) Driving an aging car. Will it make it to my next destination? What's that new rattling sound? Low tire pressure again? The constant excitement is invigorating.

Seriously, I'm most grateful for my family (even if you're far away and I never get to see you) and friends (both new and old). I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving and that you get to spend it with people that you love.