Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ann would be so proud...

I have driven a lot in the last three weeks. A lot. And one of my favorite things to do in the car is listen to audiobooks and podcasts. Once I had finished the book I was working on, I moved on to my favorite podcast. One which I am woefully behind on keeping up on... so much so that I basically my pick of dozens of podcasts to listen to.

Of course, once I start listening to SYSK, I remember exactly how much I love Chuck and Josh, and I just can't stop. So today, even though my road trips are over for a couple of weeks, I was listening to a few more podcasts while I ran my errands. The one that I chose today was on circumcision. Specifically, the podcast released on 11/30/10.

I finished my errands and ran through the McDonald's drive through to pick up one of their large Diet Cokes (that are the best I've ever tasted. Seriously.) When I pulled up to the window to pay, the woman opened the window and looked at me with a somewhat startled expression on her face. My immediate thought was that she recognized me and I began to search my memory for what on earth her name was. I came up blank, but in the meantime, I found that I only had a $10 bill to pay for a Diet Coke that was $1.09. Drat. I handed over the $10, the lady shut the window and I went back to listening intently to my podcast. When the window was again opened (which, in retrospect, maybe took a little bit longer than anticipated, even though a $10 had to be broken...) there were two ladies on the other side. Both seemed to have an amused expression on their face. I didn't think anything of it, just took my change and then proceeded to pull forward and put my wallet back in my purse. When I got to the window to get my drink, there were three women there. One lady handed me my drink, and two other ladies studiously ignored me but seemed to be listening intently as I said "Thank you" and "Have a nice day." As I pulled away, I caught the beginning of laughter as the window closed.

What the...?

Then I realized that the podcast that I was listening to used the word "penis" liberally. Not to mention several other terms that, while not vulgar, are probably not words one expects to hear coming from a car's speakers.

I immediately went red. How embarrassing! I'm never going to be able to go to that McDonald's again! I mean, I used to work fast food. I know what sorts of nicknames we had for regular customers. I can only imagine what this podcast did for me. I'm pretty sure that the last thing I need is to be labeled the "Penis lady."

At least this will help my diet? The avoiding McDonald's I mean. Not the circumcision podcast.

(For those of you who don't know, my friend Ann is a very vocal "intactivist." Her blogs are private, so you'll have to take my word for it when I say that they're very interesting and informative. I have no official stance on the subject since I do not have a son, but it's a topic that I never would have thought to read up on before, and I have to thank Ann for getting me interested enough to at least want to know all the facts.)

Thursday, March 24, 2011


This post is causing quite the buzz on the internet. I wrote about similar feelings here.

I wonder why I didn't get all the hullabaloo?

Monday, March 07, 2011


On Friday night I was out with a longtime girlfriend and we had a margarita (or two.) By the time the boy checked in on my whereabouts, I was at the tail end of my second margarita (I won't go into details about how large it was) and feeling that all was right with the world. So when the boy suggested that he would drive me home, I did not argue.

When we got to my house, I invited the boy in for a "cup of tea." He accepted, but told me, "Baby, I can't stay. I have to work tomorrow."

"Oh no! That sucks!" (inside I was gleefully rejoicing. We'll get to why later.) "I miss you when you're not around," I pouted.

When it came time for the boy to leave I emerged from the bathroom with teeth brushed, face cream on, and in warm fuzzy pajamas - fully intending to give the boy a good night/good bye kiss. Instead I found him lying on my bed under the covers.

"What are you doing?!" I exclaimed.

"What? I'm tired and don't want to go home. I thought we could snuggle." The boy said this with what would, under normal circumstances, have been an adorable smile.

"You said you weren't staying! You can't stay! What are you doing?!"

The boy, thoroughly confused at this point, sat up and asked, "But you were upset that I was leaving?"

"I was being nice! What girlfriend is HAPPY when her boyfriend doesn't stay at her place? It wouldn't have been politically correct to say, 'Oh good. I don't want you to stay because I have an early morning and I don't sleep well when you're in the bed with me and two 50lb pitbulls*.' I was trying to be a good girlfriend!!"

(All of this was said in a very loud and panicked voice, I might add.)

"So put the dogs in their crates for the night."

"In their crates?!" I was horrified. "Um, they LIVE here. You do not. I will not displace them for a visitor."

"And you see nothing wrong with that logic?"

"No." I considered briefly through my margarita haze. (The "all is right with the world" feeling was long gone.) "Fine. Stay. I won't sleep and I'll hate you. Whatever." I dramatically threw myself into the bed and promptly "fell asleep."

At 2:00am, curled into a tiny ball in the only free space available on the bed, I awoke, already angry. I tossed and turned for a while, shoved some dogs onto the boy who snored briefly before turning over, and then said loudly, "Fine! I'm going to the couch! I KNEW this would happen!!"

The boy mumbled something incoherently.

Furiously, I stalked to the couch with a blanket and my pillow. Once I made myself comfortable and started drifting off to sleep, the feelings of self pity came.

"Here I am. All by myself. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares that I'm out here all alone. I hate everyone. I can't believe no one cares about me."

In the midst of the self pity, I heard a soft padding that I first thought was imagined. Then Laney jumped on the top of the couch near my head and began purring.

"Yes! Laney loves me! Laney who is so low maintenance that she often takes a back set to the needy dogs in the house! I love Laney! Laney is the only one who truly cares about me. I will have to make it a point to give her some good scratches at least once a day from now on. She's such a good cat. She's always hated the boy. She's so smart."

Contented, I began to fall asleep in earnest. I awoke to a thud followed by the unmistakable sound of claws clicking on hardwood floor. A few seconds later, Blue's cold nose was on the side of my neck. A few seconds after that, a large blue body landed square on my stomach, forcing all of the air out of my lungs.

"Oof," I grunted, and turned on my side in the fetal position. Blue took the opportunity to curl up between my knees and stomach and to put his head on my waist. When I caught my breath, I was enamored with how cute he was. See! Blue loved me!! All was not lost! Blue AND Laney loved me. The boy could go ahead and sleep alone. I was loved. I cared not.

A second thud sounded and more claws clicked on the hardwood floor. Casey's nose nuzzled my head for a second. I braced myself for the second dog on my body.

A few seconds passed.

More seconds passed.

Then the claws clicked away back to the bedroom, and jumped back on the bed.

I was furious. "TRAITOR!! Blue isn't even my dog anymore, and HE'S here with me. Laney takes a backseat to the dogs, and SHE'S here. Casey is MY DOG!!! What the heck?"

I fell asleep angry.

The next morning I awoke to my alarm and began preparations to leave the house. I took no care to be quiet, but when I entered my bedroom, I found the boy and Casey curled together in a similar position to what I had just abandoned with Blue. Normally the cuteness would have made me smile, but in this instance, they may has well have both had "Traitor" branded on their foreheads.

"FOR SHAME!" I hissed.

The boy, having no idea of the drama that had occurred in the night, awoke confused. "Wha?"

"You don't love me! I hate you." I said to him. "And YOU!" I shifted my accusing finger to Casey, "YOU are going back to the Humane Society."

"You didn't adopt her from the Humane Society."


Blue padded into the bedroom sleepily and jumped back on the bed to sleep a bit more. The boy surmised what had happened and looked amused.

"Does your dog love me more than you?"

"Whatever. You're both dead to me."

As I was leaving, the boy asked if he was ever allowed to sleep over again. I gave him a list of things he could do before he left my house in order to regain favor and explained that he was on probation until Blue left. Then we could re-negotiate. He saluted. "Aye aye, Captain."

It was at this exact moment, as I was walking out the door, that Blue farted.

And all was, once again, right with the world.

Maybe my parents won't notice if I switch dogs?

*Yes, Blue has been with me for five weeks and won't go home for another two.