Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Itsy Bitsy Spider Becomes a Huge Scary Monster Who Will Suck Your Brains Out Through Your Ear

I have a spider problem.

Which is fitting, I suppose, seeing as how it's almost Halloween.

But, see, it didn't start as a spider problem. It started as a tiny spider.

A tiny spider with a dream.

About a week or so ago, I noticed a web when I came returned to my house from school. The web was out of my way, so I didn't really think anything of it except to scan the immediate vicinity for spiders. Which I hate. Because I'm convinced that they will somehow kill me and eat my brains. True story.

When I spotted the spider, I affectionately named it the "Itsy Bitsy Spider." It was so tiny. And it had such a huge web. But still, the web WAS strategically placed (right in front of my porch light where insects are attracted at night) and who am I to crush a spider's dreams? You go, spider. Besides, the cold weather was coming soon, so the spider wasn't going to last much longer. And I have a "live and let live" policy with any sort of being that has more than 4 legs. If you enter my house, I will not kill you if you don't bother me. Besides, I have a bad-ass cat that will take care of you for me. I'll just have to keep an eye out for your carcass in my shoes sometime in the near future.* But outside? You stay out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours.

And so it went. Each time I came home or left to walk the dog, I would take a quick look to ensure that Itsy Bitsy was nowhere near me, and hurry along on my way. The spider didn't bother me, so I didn't bother it.

But I did notice that it was growing. At an alarming rate. Maybe because of the GIGANTIC moths it was catching in the remarkably warm weather we had instead of the cold that had been predicted. It got to the point where I was having conversations with Itsy Bitsy about how she** needed to stop growing because I was getting a bit uncomfortable with her at my door.

She didn't listen.

Eventually I decided that if she was going to keep growing, at least it was Halloween. She could scare the kids who came to trick-or-treat.***

But now? Well... Here's a side view of Itsy Bitsy this morning. I know there's nothing really there for size perspective, so let me tell you this. There was no way I was getting within at least five feet of her. And I only used about 1/8th of the zoom capability on my phone. As a courtesy, I left the picture full size so that you can click on it and make it the size of your screen.

You're welcome.

It's gotten to the point where I'm going to need Itsy Bitsy to weave messages into her web, a la Charlotte, to tell me that basically she comes in peace. Any message like, "Not interested in brains" or "Won't eat you" or even "Thanks for not killing me when you had the chance because we both know there's no way you can do it now" would do.

Wait, what's that you say? You want to see another view? Okay. Zoom settings unchanged to protect the terrified. Seriously. The spider. It is huge.

And I don't know what to do. This is stretching the boundaries of my "live and let live" policy. But on the other hand, would YOU want to try and kill that thing? And while she's expanded her web away from my door, she's not come any closer to me. So technically, nothing's changed.

Well, nothing except the fact that she's going to be the size of Rhode Island soon if something isn't done.

This morning I started going through my option list. It is woefully short.

- Enlist the boy to kill the spider when he comes to visit on Friday. (Won't work. Boy shares my "live and let live" philosophy and while he'll kill spiders for me, he's actually not a huge fan of them either.)

- Call my friend Ann and have her send over her husband to commit arachnocide.****

And that's it. Those are my options.

I was kind of hoping that Mother Nature would take care of the situation for me. But no amount of wind will shake Itsy Bitsy. And she's strategically placed under the eve of my roof, so the rain is pretty much deflected from where she is.

I told you she was smart. One might say diabolically smart if, you know, one were paranoid that Itsy Bitsy has a master plan.

So if anyone has any fool-proof spider killing techniques, please pass them along. And no, none of them may contain throwing or spraying anything from any distance away. Because, seriously, if I miss? And she gets angry? I may have to move. And leave all of my stuff behind.

Bonus picture: This is with no zoom. On the sidewalk in front of my house. For perspective. I'm alarmed that you can still actually see her.

*Which is totally a sign of love, and not a threatening gesture. FYI.
**Given her insect catching success, I figured it was only appropriate to call her a "she" at this point.
***That I won't be able to give candy to because I'll be at a Husbandry exam. From 7:00pm to 9:00pm. Tell me THAT doesn't suck.
****I totally just made that word up.


zlionsfan said...

About 2,020 results (0.25 seconds)

You didn't make it up. Someone else beat you to it.

JennyG said...

Holy Cobwebs!!! Emily, that this is HUGE!!! I'm freaked out! AND there is no way that spider originated from Lafayette, IN. It looks like something from the Amazon. Given your new specialty...can't you ask a Prof to offer extra credit to anyone willing to catch the spider so it can be studied?? Seriously...get it off your porch...Forget the sucking your brains out your ear bit - don't you know the wive's tale that we eat 9 spiders/year in our sleep (or something like that)? I'm worried you wouldn't survive this one.

Jaclyn said...

If I were in your vicinity I would totally take care of that spider for you. Nothing compared to a hairy wood spider.

punkinmama said...

Thanks for the tip to no longer ignore itsy bitsy spiders. Must train Sam to kill spiders at any cost. (Unfortunately, he's not a fan of them either.)

And now, ignore me as I constantly flail at the spiders that I just *know* are crawling on my back after reading this...

AnnD said...

I will come relocate him if you would like. But, I won't kill him! J. would probably relocate him too!

Jenny G said...

Did the spider feast on your brain??? Because I was expecting a new post by now. (You know...because you have nothing else going on in your life right now.) :) Love ya!

Anonymous said...

The spider is eating all those nasty mosquitoes that cause diseases that will hurt you way more, such as west nile virus, encephalitis, ext, if she gets bigger that a tennis ball I would then call your "nature society or something like that" to remove her,, shes going to make lots of little ones too.. keep that in mind.. good luck..spiders really get up your nose and eat brains..really???

Becki Butts said...

Sweety don't be alarmed, unless u can verify that she is a black widow, or a hobo, or a brown recluse! Now little known fact if she is an orb weaver, or also known as a barn spider leave her be, because she is actually a very beneficial friend. You see orb weavers are 100% non~poisonous, and they are the only known enemy of the brown recluse, which can kill you. I had a porch pet OW that I named...Charlott, suprise, & she was also able to catch and kill yellow jackets which are a huge problem here, & she would actually hide from us, so if you can verify she is in fact an OW, let her stay! ;-)