Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Where is the "Override" button?

I get a lot of "You reveal so much on your blog. I'm not sure I would be comfortable with that." I'm not quite sure I agree, but how do you explain blogging to non-bloggers? I try to explain that about 85% of my blogs are for entertainment's sake. Usually something happens in my life, and I spin it to make it the most amusing anecdote possible. My emotions in the situation are exaggerated for comedic effect, and sometimes the conversations are tweaked to be shorter, wittier, sillier etc. Every blog is based in truth, but they're always stories. They're always designed for entertainment, and they're about me. No one else. Just me.

Of course, then sometimes things happen that need no exaggeration. They're hilarious all by themselves. I think it's the universe's way of keeping me on my toes. In those moments, the boy's gotten used to me giggling to myself for hours afterwards as I "write the blog in my head." Sometimes he'll even contribute. You can thank him next time you see him.

When explaining my blog to my parents, I finally just gave them the address and let them read it themselves.* My father eventually said it was a form of therapy. I almost got to protest, but he was quick to point out that it's cheaper than a therapist (sorry Ann) so he does not think it's a bad thing.

I laughed. I can remember off the top of my head maybe one (or two) blogs that were truly my naked emotions. (And that second one? That was really lighthearted when I think back to how close to the edge I really was.) I told my father that I don't generally like admitting I have emotions....must less discussing them on this blog. I try to keep it anecdotal.

But I'll break that rule today because today? I need some therapy. Today? I feel like a failure. And while my mind knows logically that I am NOT a failure, the feeling persists.

See, this past weekend I made the decision to delay my application to vet school. This past weekend I decided that perhaps (perhaps) I had been a little bit overconfident in thinking that I could rush the process and be able to handle 18 hours of organic chemistry 2, genetics/molecular biology, biological chemistry, and microbiology/immunology next semester. Even without work. Because originally? The plan was to apply this year, and wrap up all of my classes in the spring 2010 semester.

And now the plan is to wait and apply in 2010.

I came to this conclusion after three weeks of physics 2 and an organic chemistry class that is demanding every brain cell that I haven't yet killed off with alcohol.

I don't do "weakness." I'm superwoman, remember? I can handle anything. And while I logically know that this decision isn't a bad one, and in fact, might even be the best decision I've made in a while, I can't help but feel like an utter failure.

This is not a competition thing. And this is not a feeling I've gotten from anyone in my life. Lord knows the boy is thrilled to keep me around for another year.** And my best friend couldn't be more supportive. My parents? Didn't seem to phase them. Another friend (mother of two boys under the age of 4) told me that I was most certainly NOT a failure as I'm currently living the life of three people at once. (Um, she has two children under the age of 4... I still think my life is easier.)

It's all coming from me. Just me. Because if I'm hard on people I'm close to, I'm harder on myself. The standards that I set for myself are never rarely compromised. I mean, this is the girl who trained to run 13.1 miles just because she wanted an exercise in setting a goal and achieving it. Nevermind that her previous philosophy was to "never run unless chased." Once I set a plan for myself, I don't deviate. I finish what I set out to do, come hell or high water. You know, like a bulldog.

And I KNOW I'm still going to finish the plan that I set for myself. But delaying it a year? Right now it feels like the end of the world. Like I wasn't strong enough to finish what I started. Like I totally suck for only taking 5 hours instead of the usual 10 last year and setting myself back. Like I should have made the decision to become a vet earlier in my life so that I wouldn't feel like the clock is constantly ticking on me now.

Maybe I just need some time to get more perspective. Or maybe I just need to get an A in organic chemistry to feel better. (The A in physics is a given. I have a secret weapon... if I can drag him away from the Beatles Rock Band and the football...) I vote option "B" personally. So if any of your are organic chem tutors and feel like lending your expertise, I am currently accepting applications. Encouragement in the form of DOTS is also accepted. I will also accept offers from men who would like to mow my lawn for me and relieve stress that way. The position of "comfort by laying your head on my lap and looking at me adoringly" has already been filled.***

*They've visited a total of once. Apparently my writing is not as amusing as I originally anticipated.

**Facetious. He's supportive for several other reasons. See? Trying to be lighthearted.

***By Casey you perverts.


punkinmama said...

I say, take a deep breath, relax, and stop worrying about this. I think you've made a very wise decision. Stop being so hard on yourself!! :)

Farmerspice said...

I'm with punkinmama on this one! Good for you. You do inspire me to go back to school for at least my masters...possibly my well, we won't go there.

Candace said...

It cracks me up that your parents weren't interested in reading your blog. But I guess that in some ways it can become to invasive for a family member.

BTW...you are not a failure...but a person capable of making tough decisions and changing your mind when you know you are heading down the wrong path.

AnnD said...

I think you're like me. You have a lot of "rules" for yourself and when you break one, for whatever reason...it could be totally logical or illogical, it just eats you up!

And once I set my mind to something, even if it is a deadline of my own making (like yours was for school) and I miss it or need to change it for personal reasons, I also beat myself up for it.

I totally understand why you feel like a failure. Try not to look at it as failing, try to see it as you having to be flexible in the face of new information. You've made the right decision for you based off of the new information you've been given by life and these classes (which my head would explode in, by the way...organic chemistry! If I go to hell, that will be my hell...)

Because, in the long run, being inflexible in the face of that information will only be detrimental to your future.

I also truly believe that things happen for a reason, I've been faced with so many "disappointments" (not getting into a better grad school, having to work at a less than desireable place) and it's always turned out in the end that I felt like I was there, at that time for a reason. Usually because a wonderful person or two enters my life via those routes...

So, you just never know why you made this decision to apply later, but I can assure you that there is a reason and it will be obvious to you later.

Sorry for rambling. I had a lot to say about this. And, yes, blogging is cheaper than therapy...I couldn't afford me! And that's the truth!

AnnD said...

Also just wanted to add, not only couldn't I afford me, but I'm not that good yet either! hehehe

Anonymous said...

thank you