A couple of years ago, I was habitually arriving at work late. In order to counteract this problem of sleeping later than I should have, I began setting my alarm ahead, so that it would show 7:00 when it was only 6:30 for example. In the beginning, this worked. If I see a 7 at the beginning of the time, I freak out and jump out of bed. Alas, I eventually became able to do "sleep math" and figure out exactly how much longer I could sleep and still arrive at work at a decent time. Unfortunately, "sleep math" is notoriously unreliable. Get up, shower, apply makeup, get dressed and make the 20 minute drive to work in 25 minutes? No problem!
I tried using the buzz alarm instead of the radio. That was bad. Seriously, the jarring buzzing noise worked, but the foul mood that I was in after being woken up in that manner was just not worth it. The boy AND the boss both begged me to switch back to radio.
The solution, of course, was for me to set my alarm clock even faster. (God forbid I actually get up on time.) Fast forward to today, and my alarm clock is set 90 minutes fast. Even with this safety measure, I am the queen of "sleep math" and "sleep logic" and (especially when I'm short on sleep) am forever sleeping in longer than I should. The following "conversation" is an example of what happens in my head when I should be waking up. In fact, this is almost exactly what happened this morning after my attempt to stay up and
"...The more I'm around some people, the more I like my dog..."
Sleepy Emily: "First Alarm. Meh."
"...our song is the slamming screen door..."
Sleepy Emily: "Second Alarm. Meh."
Responsible Emily: "Wait a sec. Didn't I set the alarm later than usual last night since I stayed up so late?"
Sleepy Emily: "Shhhh... sleep."
"...it's been a deadly week in Indianapolis with 15 shootings since Sunday..."
Sleepy Emily: "Still don't have to get up."
Responsible Emily: "No seriously. I have to get up now. There are dogs to be walked."
Sleepy Emily: "Oh please. You can let them out in the backyard and give them an extra long walk tonight. What does the alarm say?"
Responsible Emily [with some effort]: "7:55."
Sleepy Emily: "You've got an hour and a half before you have to be at work. Shhhh...sleep."
"...I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu..."
Responsible Emily: "Okay. I HAVE to get up now."
Sleepy Emily: "Sure. No problem. What are you going to wear today?"
Responsbile Emily: "Good question. Jeans are dirty...maybe a skirt...or something comfortable...."
Responsible Emily: "Damnit! You tricked me! I have to get up."
Sleepy Emily: "Seriously? You used to get up at 7:00 when you lived 30 minutes away and you were never THAT late. Now you only live 10 minutes away - 8 if you drive fast. That means you have FORTY-FIVE extra minutes to sleep!"
Responsible Emily: "Good Point. How DID I get everything done when I had such a long commute before...did I used to shower at night?....I did walk the dogs every morning...."
"...God bless the broken road..."
Responsible Emily: "MOTHER OF GOD! It's 8:30! That means it's actually....well, I'm late!"
Sleepy Emily: "But this bed is so warm. The snooze is only 10 minutes...."
Responsible Emily: "But I have dogs to walk..."
Sleepy Emily: "That's why you have a backyard."
Responsible Emily: "I HAVE A BACKYARD! BRILLIANT! But wait, did I decide what I was going to wear?"
Sleepy Emily: "Yes, yes you did. Don't you remember?"
Responsible Emily: "Right. The jeans are dirty, so maybe a skirt....maybe something more comfortable..."
"...everytime I hear your name..."
Responsible Emily: "Oh! I love this song. I'm so warm. I'm so happy. I'm so... HOLY CRAP I'M LATE!"
Sleepy Emily: "But don't you feel so happy?"
Responsible Emily: "GET UP! GETUPGETUPGETUPGETUP!"
Sleepy Emily: "Fine. I hate you. And you're SO getting Starbucks and it's going to go straight to your ass. You know that, right?"
Responsible Emily: "GET UP!!! Holy crap! I didn't shower last night! I have to shower this morning! GET UP!"
Sleepy Emily: "Okay. But let's just listen to the rest of this song."
Responsbile Emily: "Okay... No wait! GETUPGETUPGETUPGETUP!"
I ended up out of bed at 7:10, out of the shower and dressed by 7:20, (there was no blow drying of the hair since it's going to be near 50 degrees today and that's nearly tropical after waking up to -12) let the dogs in the backyard at 7:22, got them back in by 7:42, and got to work by 8:00 (complete with Starbucks run included.) But what would seem like a victory is not good at all. Not at all. It's just another thing for Sleepy Emily's arsenal. Next time she won't let me get up until 7:15, and THEN where will I be?
Anyone who says sleep is overrated is obviously getting too much.