Thursday, March 04, 2010

Drowning

So I studied all last weekend and then Monday and Tuesday nights for an ochem quiz that I had yesterday. When I got the quiz, everything looked familiar and I was thrilled that it didn't look like Chinese to me. I methodically worked through the problems and felt okay about the quiz...

...until the professor put the answers on the board.

People, I'll be lucky if I got a 50% on that stupid quiz. And I have a test over the same material on Monday.

Tomorrow is the last day to drop out of classes with a W instead of a grade.

All I can think is that I don't want to be in school anymore.

I mean, I know I want to be a vet. I get that. What I'm tired of is feeling dumb. I'm tired of questioning whether or not this whole "I'm an intelligent person" idea that I have is based less on fact and more on self-delusion. I'm tired of not having any free time. I'm tired of putting all of this effort into a class that I won't use ever again EVER and getting such little return. Most of all I'm frustrated. I hate that I can't do this. I hate that I'm drowning under work and school when I'm supposed to be able to handle anything.

I hate that organic chemistry has shattered my confidence.

Because vet school? Very competitive. And my GPA? Can't handle another C in chemistry.

The boy suggested taking a semester off. But if I was going to take a semester off, this should have been it. I mean, summer is coming after this, and that's usually enough of a recharge to get me back on the saddle in August. And if I take the fall semester off this year? Do I really want to delay my application to vet school again? (Answer: no.)

Z asked me if I was willing to do this for five more years. No. No I'm not. But I don't have to. Once If I get into vet school, it would be school full time. OMG I dream about this. It's like my crack. Forty hours more per week with which I could study? Classes that are relevant to what I want to do with my life? Done! Sign me up right now.

Only, I have to get through this part to get to that part. And right now, all I can think is that I don't want to do this anymore.

So I'm sending out an SOS. Help a girl out. Remind me that I can do this. Remind me why I should. Because right now? I can't remember on my own. All I can think is that I don't want to keep getting kicked when I'm down. I don't want to keep putting all this effort into something and barely getting by. Who, in their right mind, would sign up for this torture? All I can think is that I don't want to be in school anymore.

And tomorrow is my last day to make that decision.

8 comments:

JennyG said...

You can DO it! I can't promise you won't get a C in the class, but I know you won't fail it. And your GPA can handle it, because it'll be the last C you get. AND you're admissions people are EXPECTING you to get a C in ochem. It's bootcamp for wanna-be vets, right? Make it through this and they'll know your serious about it. Think of all those silly teenagers who have been in your classes the past few semesters who you won't have to deal with once you move to the next level. It's worth it! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... and let me know when you're ready for some Don Pablos. :)

zlionsfan said...

I agree with the magician. You're working a full-time job and going back to school on the side; you don't have time for the stupid games some professors want you to play. (I dimly remember classes like that as well, classes that were intended for non-major students in which the professors conveniently forgot that and pretended that they were teaching a class full of people majoring in that field.)

Just keep in mind that you will have moments like this even when you're in vet school ... that's the five-year thing I meant. You still have a lot of work to put in to reach your goal. Don't let things like a martinet lab TA who can't teach to save her life spoil your dream.

Anonymous said...

Since you are intelligent (something I don't state lightly), you can do this. You are experiencing what I would experience if I tried to go to law school and work my full-time job. I'd have no time, and yet I'd have to study or I wouldn't be successful. I commend you for continuing to study and pass exams despite the obstacle of work. But honestly, if anyone is truly meant/destined to be a vet... it's you.

Becoming Grace said...

Cousin, you know that we all believe in you here. And not just because of the whole blood relation thing.

You are one of the smartest people I know, and you will be an amazing vet.

Lindsey said...

You're in a tough spot--you can't spend enough time on school because you have to work, but you have to work to afford school. AND, you have to get amazing grades in order to get to the next step.

Yick.

But what would you do if you quit? You'll never know if you could do it, and you'll definitely never end up a vet.

Education is always a good investment, so I say stick with it! Besides, I am super proud of you and you are an inspiration to me, since I really want to go back to school and I feel like I'm too old and it's too late.

Thanks for the motivation!

punkinmama said...

If you quit, then we'll have proof that aliens abducted the real Emily.

Not sure what that means... it's late... I guess I'm trying to say YOU CAN DO IT! (For some reason I'm saying that in a strange accent... WaterBoy maybe?...)

Anyway, keep your chin up! You will get through it and it will be so worth it!

Jesse said...

Okay, so I can't say that I really know you that well anymore. After 13 years, what I know about you is basically from this blog and facebook. So, I can't say outright that I know you can get through this. But, first, I do know that you're very intelligent. That doesn't change with time, and one (or even a few) class doesn't prove or disprove anything. Second, have you seen Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture"? It's an awesome presentation, and one of the best things he said was that the brick walls that come up in life aren't there to stop you. They're there to let you prove how badly you want something. It's very clear to me that becoming a vet is something you're very passionate about, and just from, um, "hearing" you blog about it, I know it's something you want badly. If you want it as badly as it seems you do, even what you're going through now is worth it. I know it's cliched, but just keep reminding yourself why you're doing this, and actually visualize what it will be like when you've got that DVM, and can look back and be so glad that you pushed through the times like this.

Oh, and also? You shouldn't decide ahead of time for the vet schools that your GPA won't be good enough with another C. Obviously, keep doing everything you can to get your GPA as high as possible. But leave it up to the admissions people to determine if it's a deal-breaker or not. Once you've decided that it's not good enough, it will affect how you keep working towards the goal, even if just subconsciously.

And, even though I said that I can't really say this outright, and everyone else has already done so, I'm a huge Waterboy fan, and can't pass up the opportunity. So.. You can do it!</cajun accent> :)

Jason said...

Em-
I am right in the middle of what you are going through. Believe me when I say I understand the pressure and the sleeplessness and the desire to quit. A couple of weeks ago my body just gave out and I slept for 16 straight hours. You keep pushing because it is important. You put your head down and work because the prize is so rewarding. Imagine how sweet it will be to accomplish your goal and know how much you put into it.