Tuesday, March 23, 2010

An Open Letter About Karma

Dear person who hit my parked car and then drove off,

That was rude. I mean, I know there's no way you could have known that I was in a serious car accident a little over a year ago. Or that I had just gotten my beloved Curvy back from the shop where a very scary noise had just been corrected. I know there's no way you could have known that, perhaps as a result of the accident, car stress gets to me in a way that no other stress does. I know.

But you probably did know that my car, being parked in front of the humble abode that it guards every day, is my most expensive possession (and you probably guessed that I don't even really own it yet.) You probably did know, when your car connected with my car's rear left quarter panel and left a visible dent and scratches, that the damage would be expensive and that it was all your fault. That's probably why you drove off in a panic.

You probably had no idea that I had had a conversation about this very situation only a few days prior, and that I totally judged a co-worker when he said that he "wasn't sure" he would leave a note if he accidentally hit someone and there were no witnesses. You had no idea of my level of outrage because in my world? Not leaving a note is not an option. In my world? You own up to your mistakes.

But you know, I can't even be mad anymore. It happened. It's done. There's nothing I can do but suck it up and get my car fixed. There's nothing more I can do but rest assured that Karma is a bitch and I'm sure that what goes around, comes around.

But just in case karma needs some help, I have prepared a list of suggestions for what would befit a person, such as yourself, who would do such an underhanded cowardly thing.

- a pack of wild roaming cats can invade your house, pee on every carpeted surface and piece of furniture, and then disappear without a trace to leave you with the unending smell of ammonia until the day you die.

- your car will suddenly stop functioning on 465 at the point farthest from your home. In the left lane.

- you will be summoned for jury duty twice in 25 months and have to be sequestered both times.

- you will exit your house for a very important occasion (first date? job interview?) and step right into dog poo... the smell of which would follow you throughout the rest of the day/evening.

- Part I: your water-heater will stop working indefinitely, and since you don't have the money for car insurance (why else would you NOT LEAVE A NOTE?!) you will not have the money to be able to get it fixed.

- Part II: you will forget that you don't have hot water every morning until you're already in the shower.

- You will sit in cat puke multiple times in one morning.

- You will be forced to spend family holidays with someone who makes the experience absolutely miserable for you.

- Part I: You will be mistakenly picked up for terrorist activity and as torture, your fingernails will be pulled out one by one.

- Part II: As a result of your captivity, you will contract a nasty case of chicken pox and not be able to scratch.

- Two words: Adult Acne.

- When I leave for school full time, you will apply and be selected to do my job. For the rest of your life.

Any other suggestions befitting such a person? I mean, of course we have no effect on Karma whatsoever, but it sure would make me feel better. The more evil (but not permanent) the damage, the better.

- Ochem. I wish upon you a thousand classes of organic chemistry.


JennyG said...

ummmm...I noticed some of your punishments have actually happened to you. If you need a drink, I'm here...for the next 24 hours that is. :) Don't hate me when I'm tan. You'll have all the chances you want to mock me in 6 months. I am sorry about your car though. Someone hit mine in Chicago...which I guess just parking in the windy city asks for it. They'll get theirs, don't worry!

Candace said...

Evil Bastards! I don't suppose this is the type of repair you can do yourself.

ems said...

Jenny - nah. I was just trying to think of the worst things that I had been through recently to wish on this anonymous car hitter. Oooh! I should wish Ochem upon them. I think I will.

Candy - negative Houston. I am unable to repair this myself. There is a rather sizable dent. Boooo!

Anonymous said...

I would suggest to karma that a nest of mice dies in the ductwork of their car...wherever they most cannot get to them when they start to reek. Preferably in high summer.

AnnD said...

I'm sorry hon. Like you, I am a firm believer in Karma too.

zlionsfan said...

I don't think it's the dent that is a concern as much as the scratches. (I think some dents can be pulled out with the right equipment.)

I have other ideas for karmic punishment, but I think perhaps I should not share them in case people wonder how I came to think about them.

alisa said...

Perhaps said person walked in on their wife in bed with another man when said person got home from running into your car.

That seems fitting for the douche who did that to your Curvy.

Anonymous said...

Karma, some mysterious balance in the universe that says good people get rewarded and bad people get what they deserve.....is bullshit. People that do shit like this never get what they deserve. Did you file a police report? Greedy insurance company might require one. Also, if this BS Karma takes suggestions I suggest that this persons car catches fire at the same time the seat belt malfunctions and won't let them out. We need to weed out the worthless people. Might as well ask Karma to help, it can't hurt.