I have this responsibility thing.
And what I mean by that is that I can't relax if there's something I know I need to get done. And I mean that. Even if the very last thing I want to do is something productive, I absolutely can not ignore things that need to be done. No one else thinks this is a flaw. I've been praised for my responsibility. But believe me. It's a flaw. And I don't know where it came from. In college, I used to be able to veg out like a champ. What's happened to me?
Let me give you an example.
I got home from volunteering at the Animal Clinic today at noon. I volunteer from 7:30am until when the last appointment is done (usually 10:30am - 12:00pm) on Saturdays. Great start to the weekend, right? I LOVE it, but after being on my feet for that long, and usually wrestling with one or two large dogs (today it was more like five) I'm pretty tired when I get home. Today when I got home, the boyfriend was out with his monster of a dog until 3:00pm, and all I wanted was to pop some popcorn (my most favorite treat ever!!) and curl up with my dog on the couch while reveling in my much needed and far too infrequent alone time.
But there were dishes in the sink, loads of laundry to be done, a bed to be made... And in my brain, it works something like this, "I know I have to do those things, and I don't want to do them now, but I don't want them weighing on my mind while I'm trying to "relax" and will I want to do them later?"
So I threw in a load of laundry. And I did the dishes. And I swept the kitchen. And I let the dog out and took a quick walk with her. And the entire time, all I wanted to be doing was sitting on the couch with popcorn and a warm dog.
Of course, by the time I got around to that, the boyfriend was home, and my relaxing afternoon had a different dynamic. My alone time was gone.
Are all women like this? I mean, I can't speak for all men, but I definitely know that the boyfriend isn't. He can sit on the couch with filth all around him like a champ. Me? I don't need a spotless apartment, but if I know I have something to accomplish, I feel guilty sitting around doing nothing and wasting precious time.
So a couple of weekends ago, feeling tired and overwhelmed, I gave in to the boyfriend and wasted an entire weekend with him. We even moved furniture. He convinced me to clear out the living room, blow up the air mattress, and pretty much spend the entire weekend napping/sleeping/watching movies with the two dogs keeping us warm. I won't lie. It was a fabulous weekend. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't do any dishes. I didn't pick up any beer bottles from beer that may or may not have been consumed....
But then, Monday morning rolled around, I took a look at my apartment and freaked out. Which, of course, made Monday evening stressful as I tried to get everything done that I should have been doing over the weekend.
So the "lost weekend" had some consequences.
So I've determined that what I want for Christmas this year is one day (I would ask for one weekend, but I don't want to push my luck) with no responsibilities. I don't want to go to a spa, I don't want to spend a lot of money shopping, I just want to be able to waste the day doing nothing, or walking the dog, or napping, or drinking some wine. But the thing is, while I'm doing those things, I want someone else to be handling the responsibilities that I should be doing. Is that so much to ask?
For one day, and one day only, I want a proxy. A clone of me. Anything. I want to run away and do only things that I want to do and I want no repercussions.
I told my mother this. She laughed and told me that it only gets better with children.
I told her that that was reason #715,216,312 why I'm not going to have children, and she should just officially accept Casey as her first "grand-dog-ter."