Thursday, December 20, 2007

An Open Letter to my Fed Ex Guy...

Mr. FedEx Delivery Guy,
I have seen you almost daily for the last four years. We've progressed to friendly chatter about sports, my boss, and even my living situation. Since you regularly ask me when I'm going to settle down and get married (and even go so far as to look for an engagement ring after every holiday) I feel I know you well enough to tell you this following tidbit of information.

You're getting screwed.

This is regarding our latest conversation about how we both have one car garages that came up because of our recent snowfall. You looked distinctly shocked and appalled when I told you that I only get to park my car in the garage every other month. When I explained that my boyfriend and I trade off months in the garage (because it's only fair) you looked at me like I was speaking Chinese.

You then proceeded to tell me that your wife gets to park her car in the garage year round. Why? Because apparently once you get married, you have this extra level of caring for your significant other that makes you want to ensure her well being every single day in every way that you can. Apparently this manly "taking care of her" idea means she gets to park her car in the garage every single day.

Dude...

Now, since I'm female, I completely understand and even appreciate the idea that a man wants to take care of me. Don't get me wrong, if my boyfriend decided tomorrow that I could park my car in the garage every day during the winter, I would be all over it... for about two days. Then the guilt would come. Because, seriously, that's not fair.

Parking in the garage seems like such a small thing. Until it snows three inches, and all you have to do is open the garage door and drive your car into the morning. Or when it gets cold enough to freeze your nostrils while breathing, and there is no pre-heating of the car necessary because the temperature in the garage never drops below 60 degrees. Even in the summer, the benefit of the garage can not be overstated when you never have to worry about your CDs melting with the greenhouse effect. Or the always unexpected scorch of hot leather when you get into a car that's been roasting in the sun for hours on end.

Yes sir, the garage is a wonderful thing. And if you think your significant other can't handle a little snow scraping, or a little scorching, you, my friend, are sadly mistaken. We women may seem like fragile creatures, but mark my words, any creature who can push something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon can handle a little bit of snow....or a little bit of heat. It may not be pleasant, but it's about as pleasant for us as it is for you. And again, it's only fair...

So I would re-think this whole "she gets the garage year round" thing. And I would possibly re-think the character of this woman who is blatantly taking advantage of you in this manner. Because, man, you are getting the short end of the stick in this situation.

If you really want to show that you care, you can always go scrape her car off after a snowfall when it's NOT her month in the garage. That would mean more anyway...

Sincerely,
Emily

4 comments:

Jac said...

I totally disagree. If the guy gave me the garage (as he should) I would take it - no guilt. Then I'd make up for it by cooking his favorite meal (or at least his favorite meal I like to cook) on occasion. :)

ems said...

Why not cook together? It's more fun that way...

kate(i)e said...

My dad's car sits outside while my mom gets the one empty spot in the garage. This is because the other spot is occupied by a non-running corvette my dad purchased. He bought the piece of junk - so he losses the garage. That is what we call fair.

Anonymous said...

My beloved would be required to give up the spot in the one-car garage every day of every month. That would be the price (uh, make that one of the prices) of me allowing my beloved to live with me.