Tuesday, June 16, 2009

We hold these truths to be self-evident

Internets, I've been lying to you.

All these years, and I've been unintentionally leading you astray. Several times I've referred to myself as short, and I think that once or twice I even said five feet. But it's with a heavy heart that I must issue a retraction and explain that I am NOT five feet tall. I am actually five feet and three quarter inches tall.

I don't blame you if you hold a grudge. I mean, this change of height thing has really gotten to me. If I'm not five foot, what other lifelong beliefs will be proven false? Am I not Peruvian? Not sarcastic? Not cynical? Dear God, what is real? Maybe I really DO have cankles! Who am I? What the hell?

This earth-shattering revelation came about at the doctor's office a few weeks ago. Shoes off and on the scale that I hate, the nurse explained that I was in fact 5' 3/4" tall.* It was truly mind boggling for me. I've always known that I'm sixty inches tall. I mean, I measure things with my height!** Somehow, "sixty and three quarters inches" doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well. Not to mention all the things I have to take into consideration with this newfound height. I mean, can I still wear three inch heels? Am I still considered short? Do I have to duck under low hanging branches now? What about rounding? Do I have to say "five one" or do I say "five foot?"

These three quarters of an inch are no laughing matter.

This whole height identity crisis was brought to mind by my first meeting with a dear friend's "new" boyfriend. His impression of me was "shorter than expected." I feel like I should tell him, "Oh yeah? You think I'm short now? You should have met me a month and a half ago when I was only five feet tall!"

And what about the boy? Now that I'm taller, am I still a bulldog? Or can I be categorized under a taller species of dog now?

I think I have to go lie down. I'm one flying pig away from a nervous breakdown.

*This came after I helpfully shared the detail that I've been sixty inches tall since the fifth grade. Boy did I feel dumb. I even had her remeasure me. She didn't seem happy by my request.

**True story. It's because of my height that I knew that the Holiday Inn in Princeton, IN LIED when they said their deep end was five feet. I was completely submerged and had at LEAST two inches of water over my head. Tell me THAT'S not a lawsuit waiting to happen.


J said...

I would get a second opinion. I doubt that scale was even calibrated. For a measurement this important I wouldn't trust any device that didn't come with an NIST traceable certificate.


ems said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Candace said...

If you are 3/4 of an inch taller you should be able to fit on your bike better.

Was that wishful thinking?

zlionsfan said...

Most people take an additional fraction of an inch and are happy to have it.

How can you be sure you were standing parallel to the wall of the pool?

AnnD said...

I was thinking the same thing...different devices take different measurements. I wouldn't get too worked up about it. Next time you are with a different doctor/medical professional, let them try. Ask Stacey or Lynn to do it!

alisa said...

I will now officialy refer to you as 61. A number you can share with the great Roger Maris.

ems said...

J - I'm going to need to find a way to distinguish between you and my other friend J. Though I see she might have taken care of that for me.

Still, loved your comment. Made me laugh. I am glad you get me.

Anonymous said...

You crack me up... on the pool thing... have you thought about if there were several people in the pool with you, the water displacement may be the reason for 2 inches of water being over your head?? :) Love ya - Jenny G